Only the lonely

Last Friday nite I had a blast. It was Barb’s birthday, and we all went to the Windbreak. Barb was there, of course, and Mona and her man and Amanda and Pete and some other people that I didn’t know. We went to O’Leary’s after the Windbreak closed. Then we sat around the O’Leary’s parking lot for a bit and then went to breakfast. I didn’t get home ’til a little after 4am. It was the most fun I’ve had in a LONG time.

Saturday I got my hair cut … Mona cuts my hair. She mentioned Pete’s plans to have a bonfire. I had heard about it the nite before, but didn’t know that it was Pete who was doing it. I told Mona to let me know what was going on and if I could come with, if nobody minded. She said she’d give me a call. Well … it started to rain about 10 minutes after I got home and kept raining all nite. So I figured there was no bonfire. And I never heard from Mona.

Last nite Avalanche was at the Windbreak. I was looking forward to it all week. It was the start of my vacation (I have all of next week off), and everyone was gonna be out again. After last week, I thought I’d have a blast. Was I wrong …

Things started out fine. Lisa and I got there about 8pm and grabbed 2 tables. Mona and her man and Amanda showed up not too long after that. And Barb and her man showed up about 8:30pm. We were having fun … even I was at the beginning of the nite. Avalanche started playing at 9pm. We danced a bit. But then things started to go downhill.

I heard them talking about the bonfire … the one I thought didn’t happen because of the rain … the one that Mona said she’d give me a call about. Needless to say, I started to feel like shit.

I started to realize that I guess I’m just a “bar friend” to these people. And that hurts. I see them as actual friends. But it seems like the only time we do anything is going out to the bar. And it hurts the most with Mona. I’ve known her for longer than I’ve known Barb and Amanda. And I thought Mona saw me as a real friend … not just a “bar friend”. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t have very many friends … so I cherish the ones that I do have. Like I said … I saw Mona and Barb and Amanda as real friends. Obviously they don’t feel the same way about me. And that really hurts.

Lisa and I left the bar last nite at 10:30pm. That’s frickin’ early. I didn’t say anything to anybody. I just got up and left. I told Lisa she could say goodbye, but she didn’t. I feel bad leaving so early, but she said that she was ready to go home too. I hope she wasn’t just saying that ‘cuz it’s what she thought I wanted to hear.

I was half expecting to get a text message for a call from them to find out why I left so early and didn’t say anything. But nothing. I guess that doesn’t suprise me after my ‘realization’. I have no idea if they even realized I left when I did or if they even cared that I didn’t say anything when I left. If they saw me as a real friend and not just a “bar friend”, then maybe someone would have tried to find out what was wrong.

They probably think that I was pissed because I didn’t have a man … that I felt like a 3rd (or 5th) wheel … or something else. Who knows. But I doubt they have any idea what the real reason is. And that hurts even more.

Mood: lonely