I went to college for 4 years and studied meteorology. I have a BS in Meteorological Studies. I worked as a “meteorologist” for 4 and a half years. I say “meteorologist” … in quotes … because I had the title, but I didn’t do anything really weather related. I was more of an office assistant than anything else. I did get to go out in the field twice for a week at a time … but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky either time.

Right now … I’m working as a web programmer. Talk about a waste of a college degree. There isn’t much weather going on in coding websites. Don’t get me wrong … I love it. If I had the money, I’d go back to school for it.

That’s the point. I am currently working as a web programmer but I have absolutely NO training in the field. Everything that I know, I’ve basically taught myself by actually doing. Now … I suppose some people would tell me that experience is better than a college degree. But I don’t know how true that is.

Maybe it’s just because I have no self-confidence. But every day I go to work, I half expect them to tell me that they’re ‘letting me go’. That I just don’t have enough experience/training to stay. That’s not a very fun or happy place to be. It sure the hell doesn’t help with my self-confidence. Yeah, I’ve been there for a little over a year and a half … but that doesn’t mean anything. I feel like I can’t do anything right at times. I keep making stupid little mistakes. And of course, I only take it out on myself … cutting myself down. And I don’t talk about it to anyone. Hell … this is the first time I’ve ever posted anything even remotely related to how I’m feeling.

I’ve got a review on Friday. Not looking forward to it. I know I’m gonna get yelled at (okay … I don’t know that they’re gonna yell at me, but that’s how I feel).

And if, god forbid, the worst does come … I’m screwed. I’ve got no savings (I used that up after I lost my last job - which I STILL think was a bullshit reason). I can’t get a meteorological-related job … since I’ve got no experience. And I doubt I’d get another web programmer job …. since I don’t have any formal training in it. I have no idea what the hell I’d do.

I REALLY shouldn’t be dwelling on the negative (especially since most of it is just in my head) … but I’ve always been a pessimist. Normally, I just hold this stuff in. Hell … I’ve been doing it since the 4th or 5th grade. But I just can’t take it any more. If I don’t find an outlet somewhere … whether it’s talking to my friends or just posting here … I have to get it out somehow. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll completely lose it.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re a brave person … LOL. I’m sorry you had to read this drivel. But like I said … I had to get it out. I don’t know if it helped. But it can’t have hurt …

Is that too much to ask?

Mood: empty