I went to college for 4 years and studied meteorology. I have a BS in Meteorological Studies. I worked as a “meteorologist” for 4 and a half years. I say “meteorologist” … in quotes … because I had the title, but I didn’t do anything really weather related. I was more of an office assistant than anything else. I did get to go out in the field twice for a week at a time … but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky either time.

Right now … I’m working as a web programmer. Talk about a waste of a college degree. There isn’t much weather going on in coding websites. Don’t get me wrong … I love it. If I had the money, I’d go back to school for it.

That’s the point. I am currently working as a web programmer but I have absolutely NO training in the field. Everything that I know, I’ve basically taught myself by actually doing. Now … I suppose some people would tell me that experience is better than a college degree. But I don’t know how true that is.

Maybe it’s just because I have no self-confidence. But every day I go to work, I half expect them to tell me that they’re ‘letting me go’. That I just don’t have enough experience/training to stay. That’s not a very fun or happy place to be. It sure the hell doesn’t help with my self-confidence. Yeah, I’ve been there for a little over a year and a half … but that doesn’t mean anything. I feel like I can’t do anything right at times. I keep making stupid little mistakes. And of course, I only take it out on myself … cutting myself down. And I don’t talk about it to anyone. Hell … this is the first time I’ve ever posted anything even remotely related to how I’m feeling.

I’ve got a review on Friday. Not looking forward to it. I know I’m gonna get yelled at (okay … I don’t know that they’re gonna yell at me, but that’s how I feel).

And if, god forbid, the worst does come … I’m screwed. I’ve got no savings (I used that up after I lost my last job - which I STILL think was a bullshit reason). I can’t get a meteorological-related job … since I’ve got no experience. And I doubt I’d get another web programmer job …. since I don’t have any formal training in it. I have no idea what the hell I’d do.

I REALLY shouldn’t be dwelling on the negative (especially since most of it is just in my head) … but I’ve always been a pessimist. Normally, I just hold this stuff in. Hell … I’ve been doing it since the 4th or 5th grade. But I just can’t take it any more. If I don’t find an outlet somewhere … whether it’s talking to my friends or just posting here … I have to get it out somehow. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll completely lose it.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re a brave person … LOL. I’m sorry you had to read this drivel. But like I said … I had to get it out. I don’t know if it helped. But it can’t have hurt …

Is that too much to ask?

Mood: empty

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Who Needs Sleep? - Barenaked Ladies

THAT is how I’ve been feeling the last few nites. Friday nite … Saturday nite … Sunday nite … I slept like CRAP all 3 nites. It’s always taken me at least an hour to fall asleep at nite … if not 2. For as long as I can remember. But lately, especially last nite, I didn’t even sleep through the nite. I went to bed a little after 8pm and swear I woke up almost every 2 hours. It seemed like everytime I woke up, I was waking up from a dream. And it’s not like they were nightmares or anything. They were just stupid dreams that made no sense.

I am getting SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of this. Just once … just one nite … I wanna actually have a GOOD nite’s sleep. If that’s even possible.

I don’t know if it’s psychological or if it’s physical. And of course I haven’t gone to the doctor. If I do that, he might actually find something wrong with me … LOL. But I’m almost at the point where I don’t care. I can’t take it any more. I’m tired of feeling tired all of the time. There’s got to be something I can do.

I’m planning on going to bed around 8 again tonite. I’d go to bed now, but I’d just toss and turn even longer. And besides … I’m still hungry … LOL. I made a grilled ham and swiss and tomato soup for supper, but it wasn’t enough.

I’m gonna go crash on the couch for a while and then go to bed. I really should turn off the tv, but that’s not gonna happen … LOL. Maybe I’ll actually sleep tonite …

Mood: tired

It’s that time of year again. People cussin’ as they’re slippin’ and slidin’ while walking on the sidewalk. And people cussin’ each other out while driving ‘cuz no one remembers how to drive in the snow.

Oh wait … that’s not what I meant … LOL.

Christmas is coming fast. And I’m way behind in my baking. But don’t worry Santa … I made 4 dozen peanut butter blossoms last nite and 8 1/2 dozen this afternoon. So, I’ve got ya covered for cookies …

I thought I should let you know what I wanted for Christmas this year. I’ve tried to be a good girl … really I have …

Anyways … here’s my list. It might be a little long, but I thought I’d give you some options.

DVDs
Gone With the Wind
Office Space (the ‘Special Edition with Flair’)
The Princess Bride
CSI … any or all of the 5 seasons

Kitchen Stuff
KitchenAid mixer (or another stand mixer like it)
food processor
Santoku knife
pots and pans (nice quality; also oven safe, at least for the frying pan)
Silpat (silicon baking mat)
springform pan
digital thermometer
kitchen scale
smoothie maker
drawer organizer (for utensils, that will hold larger utensils)

Misc
a hot cowboy …
mp3 player (iPod or something cheaper)
stereo
printer ink … HP ink: black - 45; color 78
digital weather station (indoor/outdoor temps, etc)
entertainment center or tv stand
health club membership (Lady Wellness or the Sports Center)
anything NASCAR, Dale Jr, or Martin Truex Jr related
laptop
computer to use as a test web server
a makeover
a comfy chair for my living room

I’ve got some specific ideas here.

Well Santa, I hope you can find something on that list for me.

Mood: okay

Yes … I’m still around. Sorry I haven’t been posting lately. I just haven’t felt like being on the computer for the past couple of months. After working on other people’s websites all day at work, I have no energy or ambition to do anything with my own sites at nite.

What have I been up to lately? Not a whole lot. We had a HUGE deadline at work last week. Very stressful. We’re still trying to get all of the new stuff up and running. I’ll be so happy when it’s finally all done and we can move on to other things.

I’ve been going out every now and again with Mona, Amanda, and Barb and the crew. Back in June, I had thought I lost them as friends. But we kissed and made up. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

And the biggest news … I move into my new apartment next Monday. Woohoo!!! I CAN NOT WAIT!!! I get the keys at 8:30am Monday morning and then Lisa and I are going to move in as much shit as I can fit in my car. The nice thing is that it’s only a few blocks from where I currently am. The bad thing is that it’s on the 3rd floor. Yeah … it’ll suck for moving in, but it’ll be a HELL of a lot better than my current apartment.

Mona and Amanda and Barb have said that they’d help me move on Monday nite. Hopefully I’ll only have the big stuff left that won’t fit in my car. But I need to find some guys to help move. My couch is gonna be a bitch. I’d rather watch some sweaty guys move it than move it myself … But Pete is gonna be out of town and so is Wade … but I’m not even sure Wade would help anyways. Steve is gonna be out of town too. I’ll have to have Mona round up some guys at the bar this weekend to help. She knows more people than I do.

I’m almost done packing. I basically have the kitchen left to pack up along with the closet where my coats, shoes, and other junk are. I should hopefully be able to finish packing tomorrow. I’ve got a bunch of the boxes out in my garage already. Then I get to start filling nail holes and cleaning. That’s why I’m trying to get as much as possible in the garage.

Well … you’re caught up with me now. I think I’m gonna crash early tonite since I’ve been so damn tired (AGAIN) lately. I didn’t want to start the kitchen tonite ‘cuz that’s gonna take a bit. So … me gonna go …

It’s that time of year again here in Fargo. It’s Street Fair time. Why does it always have to be so hot and humid during the Street Fair? It was like this last year too.

We’re working the info booth again this year (thank goodness we were under a tent). When I say we, I mean my co-workers and I. Work sponsored the info booth this year. So we have to keep it manned at all time. I was scheduled to be there from 2 - 4pm. I was there from 2 - 4:50pm … I just didn’t want to go back to work … After being outside for all that time, it would have been too hard to go back to work. I work in the booth again from 10 am - noon tomorrow. Then I’ll have lunch (with Robin) from noon to 1pm. Then I have to go back to work …

Nummy, nummy food. For dinner/lunch I had a Fry Bread Taco. Mmmm. I had a funnel cake for dessert (man … Becky loves her a funnel cake … LOL). I got a Hawaiian Shaved Ice (Piña Colada flavored) while I was in the info booth (it was right across the street from the booth taunting me). I’m not sure what I’m gonna have for dinner/lunch tomorrow, but I do know that I’m gonna get me some Dippin’ Dots. I love those. I might get a bbq pork sandwich or a philly cheesestake sandwich. Just not sure yet. I’ll have a couple hours to decide tomorrow.

Mood: lazy

Mace tagged me on this one on Friday (I haven’t been reading my blog list daily … I’d better get better at that … LOL). So, here goes …

10 years ago: I was enjoying my first summer off after my first year of college. And I actually had a boyfriend that summer.
5 years ago: I wasn’t doing much more than working.
1 year ago: I had just started working at my new job … my new career.
Yesterday: Actually got up before 8am (which is a feat for me … I usually sleep in ’til at least 11am). Went to the grocery store (before 11am). Watched Martin Truex Jr run in the Busch race.
Today: Watched Dale Earnhardt Jr win the Cup race in Chicago. Woohoo!!!
Tomorrow: I gotta go to work … … LOL … I’d rather stay home and sleep all day …
5 snacks I enjoy: pizza rolls, ice cream, chips … anything else I have in the cupboards or fridge when I’m hungry.
5 bands that I know the lyrics of most of their songs: 32 Below, Gary Allan, BlackHawk, Kenny Chesney … can’t think of a 5th right now
5 things I’d do with $100 million: buy season tickets to all NASCAR tracks, buy a truck, buy a house, go on vacation, pay off all my bills
5 locations I’d like to run away to: Australia, Daytona Int’l Speedway, Hawaii, any place tropical, any other NASCAR track
5 bad habits I have: drink too much pop, put myself down, sleep in too late on the weekends
5 things I like doing: watching NASCAR, working on my websites, sleeping, reading, listening to music
5 things I would never wear: skirt, dress, thongs, flip-flops with the thing between your toes (I can’t stand anything between my toes) … I can’t think of anything else
5 TV shows I like: CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, One Tree Hill, Real World
5 movies I like: Twister, The Day After Tomorrow, Gone With the Wind, Pure Country, Sweet Home Alabama
5 famous people I’d like to meet: Martin Truex Jr, Dale Earnhardt Jr … not sure there is anyone else
5 biggest joys at the moment: Dale Jr won the race today, Martin Truex Jr is leading the Busch series standings
5 favorite toys: my computer, my digital camera … don’t really have any other toys
5 people to tag: Bobbi, Colleen, Harold, Christine … don’t know of anyone else since Mace tagged me

Mood: tired

Man I love my employer. And I’m being sincere here, not sarcastic. We have ‘Fun Hour’ on Fridays. Well, today they let everyone leave at 4pm instead of doing ‘Fun Hour’. They’ve done it for the past couple of weeks. So … I’m at home right now.

And since I’m at home right now, I’m watching Cup qualifying on tv. Woohoo!! And it’s live … not tape delayed.

But it’s just not the same as it could have been. Obviously I didn’t win the NASCAR race tickets last Friday. You probably would have HEARD me if I had. But oh well. Lisa and I had fun at the game. But I will say this … baseball is so damn slow paced. I’ll take NASCAR any day.

So … instead of being in Daytona watching the race live, I’ll be sitting on my couch. But I did stop and get some beer (Bud Light of course) to consume tonite and tomorrow nite watching the races. I’m going to order a pizza for supper too (I got paid yesterday … ). I’m half tempted to order it now. I’m STARVING. I guess the tuna salad I had for dinner wasn’t enough. I guess I could make a turkey sandwich to tide me over.

I’m gonna go watch qualifying now. And think of how much fun Lisa and I could have been having if I had won those tickets … we could have kidnapped Martin Truex Jr (after he won the Busch race of course) and Casey Mears … Martin for me and Casey for Lisa. THAT would have been fun. Of course, we would have returned them before next weekend’s race. Don’t wanna keep them from running races …

Mood: hungry

I went to the grocery store after supper to get a few things I need. I was out of cottage cheese and almost out of sandwich meat. I got lucky and they had some deli turkey on sale for $3.98/lb. I had gotten some deli ham for the same price last week, and I only have enough for one more sandwich. I would have had enough for 2 if Lisa hadn’t used 5 slices in the sandwich she had made when she was here this weekend.

I decided to go thru the express lane since I had fewer than 8 items. That’s when I got freaked out. There were 2 people in front of me. The guy (he was an older guy) at the checkout suddenly fell down. I felt helpless. I have no medical training of any sort. And I didn’t want to make things worse. The checker ran to the service counter and they called 911. 3 or 4 of them went back over to him while someone was calling to check on him. I’m not sure if he was having a seizure or a heart attack or what. I didn’t stare. I paid for my groceries in another lane and bagged ‘em up. By that time (less than 5 minutes), he wasn’t laying there any more. I’m not sure where he went. I’m assuming they took him somewhere, but I didn’t see where. And when I was heading to my car, I could hear sirens. I took my time ‘cuz I knew they were headed to where I was, and I didn’t want to get in the way. A fire truck and ambulence where there before I left. They sure got there quick. That’s a good thing to know.

I’m STILL a little freaked out.

I was in a bad mood when I posted last nite … that’s obvious. I thought about deleting the post, but decided not to. It was what I was feeling at the time. And I still feel that way … but not as extreme. And I’m not going to stop blogging.

At least one good thing did happen today. In my mail today was a letter from the FM RedHawks. I figured it had something to do with the contest they’re running with CashWise (the grocery store closest to me). They’re giving away tickets to the Pepsi 400 at Daytona in July. Of course, I had to register every time I went in. I thought I won a tshirt or something small like that. Well … turns out I’m in the running for the trip …

There were 2 tickets to the RedHawks game next Friday (24 June) nite. And 2 coupons for a free small Pepsi. I guess they’ll be drawing names at random from those who won and are at the game (you have to be at the game to win the race tickets). They’ll be drawing 9 names. I’d give ANYTHING to at least be one of the finalists. You don’t know how much I’d love to win those tickets. I wanna go to a race. And at Daytona … what race fan wouldn’t want to go there? I’m sure Lisa wants me to win too ‘cuz she knows she’ll be the one I take with me … unless I can find me a hot cowboy who wants to go …

Mood: hopeful